Review – Knock Knock 2

OK, so this movie was so much suck, but I’m glad I saw it because of this fun fact I noticed:

Actor from Knock Knock 2 in a scene from the movie:

Knock Knock 2

Actor from Knock Knock 2 in a Wendy’s commercial:

Wendys

Notice anything?  HE’S WEARING THE SAME EXACT SHIRT! My day is so made with that. This is the kind of discovery that makes me feel so much self satisfaction, I’m just going to lean back in my chair, cross my arms, and give you a smug nod.  ‘Sup.

Anyways, let’s get to why this movie is a pitiful use of the word “movie”.

You just saw the trailer, you don’t need to see the movie and waste almost an hour and a half of your time.  Really and truly.  Because this movie was so bad, I actually started to count my time and see how long it took anything to happen.  Here’s what happens:

Minute 1 to Minute 39: Whole lotta nothing.  We see a couple who gets engaged, then they’re hanging out with their couple friends and the girls from each couple are coming up with a spooky tour around Hollywood.  That concept in itself is already so bad.  Who’s doing that?  They go to the site of the Black Dahlia murder and shock!  Yeah, it’s just grass there. Here’s the thing about visiting places where a body was left or a murder or suicide took place. It’s just a regular place. If you perceive it otherwise, all you’re doing is disrespecting the life and death of that person by sensationalizing their misfortune.  Anyways, there’s about 25 minutes of these idiots driving around from place to place and nothing happening. Honestly, my parents have a video of me performing in a Christmas concert in Kindergarten that is more entertaining.

~40 minute mark: The group finally arrives at the “haunted” house…the house’s address is 1666.  Ugh.

Minute 40 to ~Minute 47: Great. Now the girls are arguing with the boys because the girls want to go into this house and the boys don’t.  And yeah, the argument lasts almost seven minutes. One time my brother and I had a back and forth about lighting matches when I was about 3 years old. “You light it.” “No, you light it.” “No, you!” “OK!”  Booof! Couch on fire. What I’m saying is, arguments and back and forths are dumb and a waste of time. If these dudes were smart, they’d have just left the girls alone and driven away. We’ll see how long they sit on the house stoop before they run after the car. Just an aside, the couch and me and my brother were fine. My mom put out the flames before anything spread to anywhere. I dropped the match accidentally – give me a break, I was 3.

~Minute 48: Well, the front door closed and locked behind them of course. They look around the house for an alternate exit only to find that all of the windows and doors are boarded up from the inside and the boys can’t pry off the wood with their bare hands. Why they didn’t loop the one dude’s leather jacket around one of the planks and pull as hard as possible and rip the planks off, and then pull off the boards, I’ll never know. Probably the same reason they didn’t just take off in the car when that whole argument was happening. HINT: It’s ’cause they’re idiots.

~Minute 50 to the end of the movie: I’ll count the number of “scares” for us. Five. Maybe six if I’m being really generous. Two of those scares are cupboard doors being open…..when the camera isn’t even on them. Imagine if you were filming a birthday party or something and you were in the kitchen while someone was going to get something to drink, but then you panned away while they got the drink and panned back after they’d grabbed a glass from the cupboard AND NOW THE CUPBOARD DOOR IS OPEN! OooooOOOOOOoooo! Spooky! You never see any kind of monster or ghoul (OK, one, for a very brief moment, and it’s just a girl with some dark makeup around her eyes. We’ve all seen Taylor Momsen and we’re all desensitized so let’s try harder for a scare, shall we?) It’s just people going into rooms or spaces and disappearing. At one point you hear a baby crying…is that scary though? Just annoying, isn’t it?

I’m going to wrap this up because there really isn’t much more to be said. The long short of it is that I could have filmed this myself, and I don’t even have a tripod. That’s saying something. I’ve filmed stuff before on a copious amount of DVD cases stacked on top of each other with teddy bears as the actors. You can watch this, but only to laugh in disbelief. Knock Knock? Seems the only joke was on ME.

Normally I ask for feedback with a couple of questions, but this time I only have one: has anyone even seen Knock Knock 1?

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