Romantic Movies Can K My A

Source: galileo908.blogspot.com

Source: galileo908.blogspot.com

Saturday is February 14th, which really means nothing except that it precedes February 15th and succeeds February 13th. But to some people who I don’t understand, this is the day they decide to get all romantic on a day of the year where other people are deciding to get romantic. What I’m saying is that when everyone is celebrating something, it makes it super special and personalized only to your relationship. That’s right. I’m dumping on this holiday, and even more so on romantic movies where people seem to glaze over huge flaws in the name of “true love”. Prepare for me to rip apart some of the classic faves that a lot of you might have to sit through on Saturday. To you I say, stay strong. Or drunk, whichever you prefer.

The Notebook

Source: awardscircuit.com

Source: awardscircuit.com

Oh my gosh. That still, you guys! So romantic! Kissing in the rain? With the man you love? While wearing a ring from your fiancé, who isn’t the man you’re kissing? Swoon, am I right? Yeah, she’s getting her smooch on while she’s engaged to someone else, and didn’t even take off the ring first. I’ve brought this up with people before, and either they realize that I’m making a good point, or they say, “But that’s her true love.” There is no such thing as a true love. That’s just an excuse people use to act crappy and cheat on someone, or to stay with someone who treats them like crap because “that’s my true love”. Garbage. She’s a cheater. Any other time this happened in a movie, people would not like it. Can we also talk about the scene where she slaps Ryan Gosling while they’re arguing? Oh, but that’s “passionate” right? Nope. They’re a horrible couple. What a gross movie.

Titanic

Source: crushable.com

Source: crushable.com

Let’s move past the fact that there was room for two on this board because even Mythbusters proved it, and let’s instead look at the fact that Rose is a cheater just like Rachel McAdams in Notebook. Sure, she had a super time with Jack (aside: I hate that I know both characters’ names) and felt stifled by Billy Zane, but the fact of the matter is she was cheating on her fiancé. Moreover, this isn’t a love story; it’s a lust story. If you believe in love at first sight, you’ve never gone to the 24 hour pharmacy to buy a thermometer because your partner is shivering in bed with what you think is a fever, or sat outside the bathroom while they’re heaving their guts and sound like the closest thing you’ve ever heard to death. You can’t love someone after knowing them for a few days. You might think you do, but of course people are loveable when they’re at their best and you barely know them. Rose is a crap character, from youth to old age. “Here, sea, have this valuable necklace that could pay off someone’s student loans.” What a dick.

Twilight

Source: hockeydrunk.com

Source: hockeydrunk.com

Ahhhh, that joke never gets old to me. Get him, Wesley Snipes! Or maybe Pattinson’s running from him cuz he’s all, “Robby, lemme do your taxes, I’m real good at them!” Bah-dum-tss. Tax evasion jokes. Moving on, I’ve seen every Twilight movie because I’m a good friend who tortures myself so others can be happy. There is so much wrong with the relationship in this movie, and Bella Swan (no, why is that a name that’s allowed to happen?). I don’t know anything about the 50 Shades movie that’s coming out, but for some reason, I’ve seen a portion of the trailer where the girl alludes to “oh, but he’s so rich and handsome, why would he want to be with me?”. Same thing goes for the dynamic in Twilight. Why are the characters in romance movies like this always such desperate weirdos who have seemingly just been waiting for someone to come along and inject their life with meaning? Can’t we have a story about two well-adjusted, confident people with awesome lives finding each other and having an awesome time together? Is that not a thing, or? Anyways, let me say this for the record. A partner who is only invested in you and your interests and appears to have their life only revolve around yours is a crappy partner. It’s pathetic, unstable, and pretty sick. The movies, and wigs, in this series got worse and worse with each sequel. What an embarrassing mark on society. Hope no one regrets their Twilight tattoos!

That was a pretty short list, but I know you have a life and have better things to do than read me tear things down. I was going to rip on Dirty Dancing as well, but I don’t really know much about it having only seen it once in full on TV as a kid. But take this away from Dirty Dancing: you wanna see the Swayz? Roadhouse. Throat rip. That is all.

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